Would it surprise you if I told you that perfectionism is a defence mechanism?
‘What do I need protecting from?’ I hear you ask.
Well, somewhere in your past your system has decided that this was a great strategy for making sure that you were not harmed by a threat that it perceived. This does not have to have been a real threat only one that your body believed was there.
What is the purpose of being a perfectionist?
We can have highly attentive, loving parents but still get the message that they expect a high standard from us, sometimes it is because we see the pressure, they put on themselves and we as small children copy, and we become perfectionists too. They may have silently put high expectations on you as well as on themselves and they may not even be aware of this and would be shocked if they realised.
It may have been on a fundamental level so, that you could be seen by your caregivers. Perhaps, when you put a lot of effort into doing something exceptional, for example, your grades at school, was the only time that they ever noticed/praised you.
The threat might have been a critical parent or person in your life when you were small who would criticise, belittle or shame you if you did something ‘wrong’ in their eye’s, or it may have been a physical threat if you did not come up to another’s standards.
So, we are not born perfectionists, this defence protects us from the real or perceived threat of not being good enough. If we can protect ourselves by making sure that whatever we do is to the highest standard then maybe we won’t be seen as ‘less than’ in the other’s eyes. We believe that ‘they may love me, and they might not say hurtful, critical things and put me down’. So, it’s in avoidance of another believing we are ‘not good enough’ that this trait often forms.
Why is perfectionism detrimental?
Any perfectionist knows the pressure and anxiety that is their constant companion. You may even find yourself catching colds and bugs easily, having nightmares of work not being completed on time, a feeling of overwhelm or even burnout.
A point to think about is that humans, learn by making mistakes, think about a baby learning to walk by trial and error. As a perfectionist, we shame ourselves when we make a mistake so we are likely to be losing out on an important life skill.
What can I do about it?
Find a safe place (often, when in the shower works well), and ask yourself what it would feel like to just be a normal person, without the need to be the best that you can be. Frightening, terrifying, or panicky perhaps? This is a very real fear, and it is telling you something.
Try to tune in to why you feel so fearful, and ask yourself; what might happen if you didn’t give your best to everything; what would take some of the pressure off you; can you put these solutions into practice?
This can be really difficult to read and if you recognise yourself here then go easy on yourself and allow yourself to sit with any thoughts and feelings that come up, perhaps with a cuppa, and see if you can make sense of them. If you need or would like any help with that, I’m here to help so just give me a message.
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