The term is said to come from the 1940’s film Gaslight where Chris Boyer uses the gaslights in their house to make his wife Ingrid Bergman think that she is going crazy. His aim was to get his hands on her inheritance. The term Gaslighting, however, is a more modern reference to this.
So what is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a range of behaviours where the sole purpose is to control an individual to the point where the individual starts to doubt their own truth, memories and perceptions, instead they look to the abuser to tell them their reality. As you can imagine this is incredibly destabilising for the victim and the end result can be suicide if no intervention is available.
Who is Susceptible to Gaslighting?
The scary thing is that anyone is susceptible to being gaslit, it starts with a person you trust maybe your new partner but it can be from work colleagues or family members, even ourselves (see blog of Self Gaslighting). Over time they start to contradict you, maybe they stonewall you (see blog on Stonewalling), when you have a different opinion to theirs, nothing obvious. Bit by bit they ramp this up, so you start to depend on them more and more and less on your own memories of an event. You find yourself isolated, the friends you once saw regularly are now distant, your family are only seen on special occasions and normally you leave early for your partner’s sake as you know they find social occasions with your family difficult.
There are several personality traits that make a person more susceptible to being gaslit, especially, if the person is a people pleaser. By this I mean they have a need to be liked by everyone, they find it very difficult to say no, they tend to put other’s needs in front of their own, they recoil from confrontation or the thought of hurting another’s feelings. Of course, this describes so many people and many would say that is just being kind and to a degree, that is being kind and thoughtful but when our ways of relating other others put us in harm's way, it becomes a problem.
Those who are much less susceptible are those individuals who know who they are and are accepting of themselves, they know how to create a balance in their lives and are able to say no kindly but firmly, when they need to, they know their needs are able to meet themselves.
Which group would you say you fit into?
What Sort Of Person Is Likely To Use Gaslighting?
What sort of person gaslights another you might ask, the answer is an unhealthy one. Someone who has a strong need to control and dominate such as someone with narcissistic tendencies. The tricky part is that the person who needs to control and dominate you can be incredibly charming. A good rule to go by is to be a little weary if the relationship seems too good to be true, especially, if your new partner shares many of your interests, don’t be afraid to go slow and build up trust slowly.
Gaslighting is not something to be unduly scared of, it does not happen too often but it is something to bear in the back of your mind, maybe you might see it happening in a friend's relationship and together with other friends be able to help them.
If you find that this blog brings anything up for you that you would like to discuss, please do not hesitate to contact me.
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