What does narcissistic abuse look like?
Think of a person who thinks only of themselves, who uses others to get their needs met, no matter how inconvenient that is to another person. Whatever happens, it is always your fault and you often believe you are the one to blame. You stop trusting your intuition as you are told on the occasion you voice your view that it is wrong and often you are made to feel ashamed for believing what you do. It can feel as though you are walking on eggshells, never sure of how the person will react or with how much force.
You can struggle with saying no, making sure that everyone else is taken care of. You can feel lonely and different, as though something is wrong with you. You don’t feel that you have anyone to confide in.
You can struggle to know who you truly are, your likes and dislikes even to the extent of how you like your hair, what style of clothes or which TV shows you like. Whether you are hungry or have eaten enough or when out with friends you might wait for them to state where they would like to go, which restaurant to eat in or perhaps what to choose from the menu.
You might really worry about what other’s think of you to the point that you hold your thoughts back and give the other the impression you share their view or at least you do not disagree.
When it comes to secrecy you can be a master. You have been led to believe that what happens at home stays at home. You might feel anything but happy though when you are out of the house you put on a smile and act as though everything is fine. The trouble is that you are so good at acting that no one knows the toll this takes on you.
You find yourself doing things you definitely don’t want to do, it might give you anxiety for months but somehow, you still manage to do that thing that you know has to be done. It might be that you are expected to go on holiday with your parents each year or your partner won't take no for an answer and demands that you go to the party with them.
When a person does not take your views and preferences into account and instead centres their own consistently, this is abusive. It causes harm to the person who gives continuously.
So, what can be done about it?
This is such a difficult relationship dynamic, you may have been a confident person before you entered into this relationship or you may only now be seeing your parent or parent's behaviour as being harmful.
The first step is to begin recognising the harmful behaviours or at least to listen to the niggly feeling that something isn't right.
Step two is to have as little interaction with that person or people as you can.
Step three - when you must be with them or have contact with them is to ‘make yourself boring to them’. By this I mean if they ask how you are you say politely ‘I’m fine, thanks,’ you don’t need to add ‘How are you?’ Make all interactions neutral, staying on topic with facts only, without being distracted. Don’t react anymore to their attempts to provoke you. Google the ‘Grey Rock Method’ for more ways to interact with harmful people.
The importance of the right Counsellor
The reason this harmful behaviour has so much of a hold on us is it is almost invisible. Unless you know what to look out for and how to respond you can easily keep the cycle of abuse going. It is so important that you seek the support of a counsellor with knowledge of narcissism who will explain what is happening, helping you to identify patterns, understand yourself, what is behind the person’s harmful behaviour and most importantly how to be safe.
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